Friday, September 22, 2006 | 11:51 PM

Neutral we think, biased it is.

Before I begin, if you find the following entry random where you have a pbm stringing up what I'm blabbering then pardon me but ignore and forget whatever I say. If you find it callous, unacceptable, rude yadda yadda, then don't read it as the author does not limit what he says/feels as it can be drawn out from an entire imagination/nightmare. Hold your horses, it's not neutral albeit an attempt to. Objectivity vs subjectivity- which side are you on?

To begin there was never 'the 7 of us'. It's just you, you, you, you and her, you and finally me alone. There is a mixture along that line of you-s, sometimes a pair, sometimes a crowd/group/alone. My point is whoever said we have to be together as a piece of inseparable comprising 7? It prolly rose out from a generalization that everyone adopted sooner or later for convenience sake. Now we assume things; we are one or at least we oh-so-attempt-to.

The KFC thrashing session was useless. I went that day prepared for more blunt issues- issues which weren't brought up on that particular Monday. I knew I committed a sin. I went out with a group that has parties still unwilling to open up and talk. If you're willing to start a table of 7 discussing a major problem with this 'us' and knowing how impossible it is to gather everyone on a day in a short time, for a short while, then shouldn't everything be made clear with the rules drawn out? Instead, I felt the excitement over a meal together. Are we naive? How many times are you willing to fall/get slapped? We left that day with more complications. It was superficial. Hardly anyone spoke everything on their mind. One only answered to questions in defense. Some added opinions. Then we digressed a couple of times. Was it a thrash-out session or was it all faked.

Self-centered vs AA.
Would you dare say someone AA has more negative attributes than someone self-centered? How far would you go in life if everything revolves around you? How would you respond to community around you? An event not in favour of you, a situation you dislike, a comment you are unable to swallow, a person you disagree with, an idea conflicting yours, a fact you can't accept, an incident you don't expect… You allow yourself to be unreceptive to ideas, facts, opinions, comments that MAY offer a better cause. Being forceful, demanding and to the extent of annoyance, disrespect and defiance towards opinions/ideas are attributes of a self-centered mind. AA- it can be an action out to attract attention on a severely wrong note that is annoying and result with others scorning at you or it just happens that you, being different, created an attention which you didn't call for. My definitions might be inaccurate. In comparison with being self-centered what is worse? Which would be enough to summon an entire crowd of haters and spites? Which would be a long-term, permanent problem for an individual? Is your list of friends long? Those we found true- are they accepting you because they know you are a true friend to them or are they too tired and have given up hope on you to change for your better? How would you define true? Allowing you to rot or adapting to changes? You may beg to differ that our pitiful begging and whining for changes are selfish for personal reasons but would these selfish reasons for you to adapt be the same reasons why in the near future you have unforeseen problems in your workplace, you family/relatives and your friends? Would you be able to change then? Would you be able to adapt- or perish?
An AA character, the 'subtle' one, can never be a serious problem. It just attracts different perople- those unable to accept leave but those who are able and perhaps have the same traits flock together. Tell me anyone willing to flock with you w/o any pang of disgust IF you're self-centered. It radiates and surround you with layers of detestation. Would you live to bear that fate? Or would you go crazy from feeling hurt when the society points its finger at you accusingly? I hope you get my drift and consider the consequences.

Objectivity vs Subjectivity.
Are you objective when you threw such nasty comments? Nobody can be bitchier in our class than me. What you've seen of me is only the skin. Have you gotten past the layers of my mind? I am willing to turn nasty, wicked and manipulative to scare you for your own good. I am capable of that I know. Would you then still be as unwilling to change? It may result in you changing for your own gain or it will turn sour and our actions get ugly. Many often preach of how the friendship is oh-so-important to them, how they are willing to compromise but it superficial? I'll be frank with you; I have no obligations to stick with anyone. I am Teflon or at least I undertake. When one of you asked me how close /unafraid to disclose opinions to the rest of you in the '7 of us', my answer was straight- none. I'll be on my guard. Since all of us are on our guards. If all of us wear amours and carry shields, nobody will get injured so long we're not attacking but how long would you be able to carry/wear them? I am not tired yet. Remember, it's only 2 years and being Teflon means it's nth to me. The shields and amours would still be shiny at the end of my journey here in college. Carrying and wearing them is not a problem cos polishing/hardening them is.

Lastly, (this entry is getting on forever because there are too many unsettled things with much thanks to our guards) I am unwilling to be associated with anymore of the issues but at this level, it gets so annoying and being related although not necessarily involved, I cannot allow this to disturb my peace. I'll stay out of this. I will try but I would not promise because who are you to demand my promise? You think you're worth me? Is this me being self-centered? Or is this a refection of you? That question is not written to stimulate your reflection as I mean it literally. My point is I don't want to care as much as I've already typed this essay but your actions are stepping on my toes and I'm flinging you off them. If this is how far I fling you with my toes, try my fingers. I am not just another bastard-bitch you have witnessed, I am worse. If you tread on any part of me, I show aggression and if it has to kill then you would have to take the blow be it survivable or not.
Watch your back- if.