Monday, July 24, 2006 | 11:26 PM

Ok after a while I decided to come clean with some thoughts. Oh well, was inspired by Shu Yun's entry which somehow happened to be intellectually-churning. OK whatever you call that.

Had sea sports carnival today. As expected, our class' handicapped race came in last. And Amantha kinda withdrew so we had to make shuyun replace her which wasn't too gd an idea given tt she's nt mentally prepared/equipped yadda yadda. Pras and elvis' race didn't go too well as I thought they wld since they're both canoeists. But the consolation is the inter-cca dragonboat race. I'm proud tt our track came in first thrashing soccer by 3s. I know its marginal and they stopped before they reached the finishing line but we had girls and an 1/2hr before the race, crystal and pak were still scouting fr the trackers to take row the boat. Considering this fact, I think we've done pretty well. Btw, it's the last event the seniors and the jr.s can ever compete tgt.

When I saw this line in the forum frm Crystal, it kinda aches. I know I'm gg to miss the 05 batch. They're the closest to me aft all those trg/comps/nats/sch and crap we had at e waffle shop. I can imagine the days ahead w/o them leading us. Repeating a yr made me fall back and rely on their instructions. This probably is due to my dependence and false belief tt everthing wld turn out fine with them ard. Yea, I know I went through this once when I was with the 04 batch but the pain was only so little. I wasn't in the relay teams and I was far too lousy to smell Nats. (not like I'm much better this yr) I know there's an urgency to harden myself and along with the team, swoop medals home. From the track powerhouses' point of view tpj's track is prolly nth threatening but glory isn't gained so easily. We have more hurdles than the big 5 for we don't have trackers DSA-ing to our college and it happens that our team mates were mostly never frm track in sec sch. While others have 4 years of advantage, we have to rely on 2 yrs of trg and lots of mentalilty to push ourselves and break that limit, sometimes at the cost of our academic performance. I'm lazy to get emo and worked-up over this entire changeover of following to leading process and I have only these things to note: Raj and I exchanged conversations abt trg on our own before the official one resumes in October (I dunno why the hell it only resumes so late). So he was placing some trust and hope on me to be with him in the 4by4 team nxt yr. I have this fear of 400m ever since those trgs in the rain last yr w/ the scary seniors but I figured tt since I'm given trust in 400m I shld give it a really gd shot. It isn't like I'm doing above 60s. Since pak can swicth frm long d to 400m, it shldnt be a prob fr a sprinter yea? And I'm placing some trust and belief tt he can be with me in the 4by1 team next yr. And we agreed to visit the gym every week from now on and start building up strength. (: I know I'm crazy with this sudden investment on my pathetic muscles since I've been adviced that my back can't quite handle weights BUT WHO CARES. If I have to undergo physio I will. Besides I really need to tone cos I'll not turn up next yr like a pack of bones. So protein-pumps/shakes here I come. I've seen my 4by1 team this yr lose the opportunity to do well and fabian's dream of winning the relays slip out of his hand. I'll carry on his legacy (or whatever you call this) to win next year. Oh and revenge is sweet, we know that and we'll work for it. We can cry next year after we win and hug each othher in our sweat and tears. I know tt's bittersweet and wld then be the best memory I have of track. ((:

Anyway, I think I'm still dependent on a sprinter icon. hahahhas. Oh yea, prolly mr jiayuan might read this but heck larr. I can't really be bothered. Oh yea, the reigning 200m champion and 1st runner up fr 100m sprinter frm rj wld be my role model or guide kinda thing. I have to do so cos with the j2s gone, I'll be losing my mental-pusher. I know its oxymoronic...

p.s. I think s08 needs another threshing-out-session. The last one's effect is wearing out and we're having many probs w/ one another these days. On the surface no, inside we know we're not happy.