Saturday, June 17, 2006 | 12:07 AM

WAFFLE. CUP NOODLE. CREPE. These are the stuff I have for lunch for almost 2+weeks with much thanks to studying in school. Tell me smth more exciting to eat within the reach of a tpjc student mugging in the sad sch library that has the most pathetic aircon which only gives you the extremes of the temperature. The sch doesn't even sell canteen food during the holidays. I want to push the blame of my stagnant performance to my diet in sch before we breaked for hols and during hols. I don't know where to put all that heap of responsibility and expectations elsewhere but this.

I know yazid (in fact the rest of the track) expects me to be not slower than Bryan. That includes me. I don't want to believe it. I rather it was hallucination or an illusion. I want to blame on my diet. I heard smth abt Andrew and his insufficient carbo load leading to him running zigzag when he push his frequency and so that made me doubt my muscles. Have they been mistreated for I see all that veins sticking out of parts which they never surfaced previously. I want(ed?) to beat Andrew so badly before sports day. He improved in the shortest time ever. Talk abt the 1st time trial I had with him when surpassing him was no kick. Trg with him now comompresses all that fear into my legs. (err. This entry's getting dramatic like Khai's blog.. hahas..) Anyway to put it shortly, I still want to beat Andrew. I still want to run for relays despite Bryan being faster than me now. I still want to win the relay tgt with the track team. I still don't want to back out so soon. But do I still have the courage to do so. I am losing faith in myself. Seeing others surpass me is the worst feeling ever. It made me feel the drain of energy as if I can't break free of a certain force holding me back. Is that force the fear of losing? The fear of not performing? The fear of disappointment? Somehow or rather I know there has to be some factor that I am overlooking for improvement. I know my burst power is not there. So my momentum is nto built from the start. I knew this all along. Like sir said abt having a whole yr to train but only leaving till now to realise our mistakes and complacency (ok I inferred this). But I tried to rectify my problem. The hindrance of weak muscles. I'm not optimising my length. With a 101 ppl telling me my legs don't stretch out enough, my bounce is not there and some say my frequency cmi. I know all these are not there. I tried but I guess smth is missing. I guess I need more guidance. I guess the connection I have with sir is not there at least during trg. All this confession drvies me to a corner hopiong to hide instead of reflecting. So are my confessions gg to help me break free; from the fear of losing and disappointment. I need guidance, mortal and immortal. Shed light on me and I'll harness the strength. (:

I am perfectly fine if Bryan and any other trackers are selected for the 4by1 team instead of me. I know I want this pretty badly. At the same time I only know my passing or rather collection from Fabian's pass is only so-so. It is highly possible he'll take a place in the 4by1 team but I swear I hope I can recover in time; not from injuries but mental-drive-deficiency. It's like I suddenly lost the will to run esp when I'm overtaken. I'll learn frm Shuyun. Rise and dominate david, we know you can. (sounds retarded but for the nats sake I'll be retarded!)

Today, they were discussing abt shuyun during trg. I knew smth abt her but I felt tt she prolly won't want me to announce to the team yet. It was esp crucial for me to shut my trap today as we weren't exactly in high mood after yazid gave us quite a lashing when zh said smth abt trg at simei's ite during the last week of the hols. Honestly, I am disappointed with shuyun. What's with all that giving up/withdrawing/quitting? I thought she so badly wanted to beat her? I gave her so much prep talk and even 'spied' on her timings. Whatever happened to the rising and dominating? All that rawr-ing? where?
We shared the same bad feeling when we lost to our respective competitors during the sports day events/heats. I thought we wld train and bring out the best in us but it seems that I'm the only one left trg. It fel like I'm played out and left all alone. No emotional attachment, really. But there's the psychological dependence on each other for motivation, advice and support. She wasn't exactly mugging with us either. And su/hem are always having their dance prac for panorama. It irritates me and wx as we're the only ones consistent with our pact made before the econs ct. Jn depends on her mood. But I say it isn't the time to go tanning when the cts are just <2wks away. zzzzz.

Mugging sessions have been pretty consistent. Consistently imcomplete and behind time that is. I have completed one round of revision. Thankfully. So now it's just practive and re-reading those darn notes. And of course trg. I'll have sports and academic excellence this year. I will. (:

Rise and dominate; even if it is to be done alone.