Tuesday, March 01, 2005 | 10:43 PM

Torn apart; emotions and peers

Think I sort of broke dwn today. Many things are in my mind. They're NOT just IN there. They're whirling in my head. Firstly, I'm still under this depression of my results. I'm nt bragging but this kind of results is really not up to my standard... Its purely shit la. Secondly, many of e ppl I know are planning to leave TPJC. Be it 'gd enuff' or 'below standard', I'm just upset to see many ppl nt staying. Frm my CG, OG and even my closest friend. Well, when this large clique of pple u know leaves you stranded. What is the point of going to school? Its hard to start off AFRESH ALONE... I know its not exactly AFRESH cos I'm already here fr 2mths at least and I know many gr8 seniors here.

Somehow, altho jus a short time of 2mths, we are all bonded together. CLOSELY. When anyone of us leaves, it hurts and e chain is broken. Had a lil' chat w/ Kian Eng and he made his decision to leave TPJ cos he wanna excel in a poly. The feeling is terrible la. We came as 17 PRCS peeps into TPJ but now ard 7 ppl wanna leave. Perhaps its stress or their mindset but I jus feel tt yea~ one by one they're making me feel incomplete and empty. The word is LOST. I mean every morning, I walk into sch and at e gates I get together w/ e rest where we walk into sch together... hmm.. maybe this sounds childish to e J2s but the cohesion and closeness is beyond description. Eveyone is now thinking of a course in poly or a better JC... yea~ Aloy said tt seperation is part and parcel of our life; I have no idea wad's affecting us so badly emotionally and psychologically. Suppose its bcos its the 1st time we are gg to feel the pain of seperation. I dun know how to help all of them. Mst imptly, I dun noe how to help myself.

Was totally wrecked today. NO lessons but I was very occupied in my mind. Aft sch Crys, Mastura, Ranjani, OKE and me went to TM fr something to much on. I only ate this pathetic pancake. When we were tokin abt smth.. I feel asleep right in front of them. I mean it sliek WEIRD. If I fall asleep during lectures and tutorials, its understood la... but ifo a circle of freinds! And almost e whole day I didn't break into any laughter la. Used to be able to pretend to laugh even if things are nt going well but this time I can't take it anymore. I can hardly pay attention to what Crys and e rest were toking abt. I was lost in my own thots. L8r we were at e beach and I cld finally stop pondering over things and jus put them aside. Jus stood in e waters like some freak. Guess the 4 of us were all trying to put our worries aside. Sighs~

I think e aftermath is simply too gr8. Many of us can't decide where to go. Unsure of the stress levels of JC and unsure of e courses in poly. I think I'll hv to be prepared in any case of their decisions. Sighs~ Was initially excited fr tml's track trg but well.. suppose tt all this hv spoiled e mood. But I still wanna run; away from all this pain. Bleah~ PAIN...