Wednesday, February 02, 2005 | 10:00 PM

Me nobody

I'm LOST. I want to escape frm all my stress... Its not sch work but al the stress comes frm my mind... I don't know how I gotta put it in words but I feel that I shld call it quits. Yeh, running was my long-lost passion... Found it back this yr.. but such a let dwn to myself... to others but mst imptly I'm sorry for myself. Crystal's right.. I am at my lowest right now. I've never felt this way. Maybe its be'cos of the JC envt. But it somehow occurred to me its not be'cos I'm in a JC now... Yeh.. I love running. Because running gives me this space for me to run away AWAY frm myself. There are so many tots in my mind... last time-now-as and when... I've too many things to think of... My friends, social circle, school, future, famliy... U'll never understand me cos u dun go thru wad I'm suffering... I seriously feel tt I'm nt the sort who's prepared for any mental setback. Depression? Who cares... I always tot tt I'm a strong person... but I'm not... I've proven tt many times to myself and to others. I'm weak. WEAK. Maybe I've over-estimated myself... maybe I'm pushing myself too much. MAYBE I shld jus let go. Drop it. Give up. Let it be gone and never come back. I feel like runnig away frm myself and frm the harsh realities. I know tt I SUX. Ppl dun tell me but I know. I know it too well be'cos this is me. Ppl know tt I'm always at the competitive edge... I never want to lose... But again, I've never won. I've never succeed... I've never done well.. I've never been the person I want myself to be. I feel LOST. I want to run myself away. I want to just drop dead. I've lots of suicidal tots in my mind... I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF!!! I dun wanna face anyone. How am I to step out of my house. HOW!? All this shit and crap. I simply hate it. HATE IT! I don't want to see myself in the mirror. My face sux. I don't want to see myself in sch. My brains sux. I dun wanna face it... I dun wanna...
Todays run was like shit. I am so in shit performance. Firstly, I wanna thank those freaks who are so unwilling to lend me their digital watch. U KNOW WHO U ARE... Its becos of u tt I lost track of my timing and the momentum. And becos of YOU I had cramps as I misjudged my speed... YOU must be very happy now. I lost already. SATISFIED!? You bloody piece of shit. I've held myself long enough... All thanks to you I've got to blow my top... I'm cursing you under my breath. You repugnant bastard. Be'cos of YOU.. I feel inferior to many ppl... Be'cos of YOU.. I ended up 180th position in the race. I WAS HAVING BLODDY CRAMPS... and I needed my timing to know my correct pace. THANK YOU. I wish u're dead. HELL gates are open to ur damn fuck soul. Go in and may vicious flames scorched ur bloddy sins.
I feel inferior. I ran. I cramped. I lost. I weeped. Oh yeh, go ahead and call me a soft hearted freak. I feel terrible. All the pple I know did well in the run. WHAT AM I DOING IN TRACKS? What the FUCK?! I'm nt fuking pissed w/ track. I'm damn fucking pissed m/ my performance. I know. I SUX. I KNOW! Seriously, can't take such 'inferioriority'. All e pple I know.. PRCS.. track... soccer... seasports... shit me. My position is like 3 digits!? CB lor. Give me a break man. All the suicidal tots racing thru my mind. I want to end my life. I fully understand the term 'life sucks'. MY LIFE frm sky high rawks to rock bottom SUX... Yeh.. I GIVE UP. I doubt my abilities. NO. I have NO abilities. *ending my life* PISSED. LOST. DEAD.