Tuesday, February 08, 2005 | 6:24 PM

Many things to blog but doubt if I shld

The abv says it all. Yeh. Sometimes I wonder if I shld create a new blog. Yep. A private one. Cos sometimes there are many things close at heart that I fear blogging. An e.g wld be *ahem* I can't type out whatever tt happened in sch cos it will make it so obvious to *her* when she comes across my blog. And there are so many insults I want to throw out instead of keeping within me. But I can't esp names tt are mentioned nt too nicely. I won't want to imagine wad's gonna happen to me if I do so. Probably tt'll be my last entry... =X But its still rather 'safe' fr me to blog such stuff considering e fact tt less than a dozen ppl actually visit this blog. Did u notice me removing e counter thingy? Too embarrassed. Only 400+ ppl. Tt's like pathetic. Plus e fact tt my tagboard is jus an empty shell. Its nt empty. Its DEAD. Yeh its CNY and I'm nt suppose to use e word DEAD or swear in e hse but when such supressed feelings exceed my limit, what do u expect me to do?

Ok I'll place my head on e chopping board by typing an issue tt I've been keeping in my mind fr some time. Here goes. (If its repeated I apologise)

On some day, a dude who says he'd came to my blog before... and he told me he found me close to e OGLs based on my blog entries. (HAHA nt funny) I'm nt mocking him. Its jus tt yeh it looks like we're close lahz. Closer than u ppl cos I'm thick-skinned to actually go and talk to them. I'm serious. I enjoy being w/ them. But the thing is tt I hv this feeling tt I'm unwanted u know? Erm.. like my presence is a burden...? Like there's some mental barrier tt draws a clear line btwn us... Erm... NO.. its nt their fault but I can't seem to break thru the mental barrier. I know they'll jus tell me n to think too much. Mayb I've been bloggin' too many entries w/ e OGL's names and ppl start to think tt I'm some ass who just wants to show off that I'm close to e seniors. (HAHA nt funny) I'm just saying MAYBE.

Siriusly... its be'cos of e OGLs/seniors/friends tt keeps me bonded to TPJC. But look at this... the linkage is fading. Its to the pt where I wake up in e mornings nt my usual can't-wait-to-go-for-sch attitude but dragging myself attitude. Some fear is lurking in me and its the fear of awkwardness and social rejection. Put urself in my shoes. Its nt a gd feeling. How I got myself into such woes? I dun wanna back track... its mind-wrecking. It mst probably won't make sense to anyone but tt's how things are. And e 3 mths r ending soon. Shld I stay in TPJC is still a Qn I haven't ans. Its nt tt I'm some smart ass who can ezly get into TJ... if matters get worse I'll hv to go poly... Perhaps I'm jus sensitive or wadeva... I DO HOPE THIS WON'T AFFECT MY LIFE and may my social circle expand gradually with stability cos friends play an impt role in my life.

p.s. OGLs (u know who u dudes are) =] if u come across this entry, I'm sry to be so direct. Come and tell me off or smth but I dun wanna supress things in my mind/ in my heart and carry and extra weight ard... Thnx.