Friday, February 18, 2005 | 10:57 PM

Lactic-Egoistic-Pathetic

I feel asleep in sch again. During Bio and Chem lecture, then during Bio tutorial. Can't balme me. I slept at 1am again. Hey.. I did go to bed early. Just that I was lying in bed and forcing things out of my mind. Things such as e Os results tt will be out all too soon, Track, myself as a nobody, and *her. Too many things racing thru my head. Hurts a lot. No idea what time I actualy slept. bleah~

Sch's a bit of a bore today. Only Chem and Bio lessons. And like I said I slept thru mst of 'em. E slacking attitude is hard to shake off once addicted. -.- Aft e last period, went to e canteen and waited fr Crystal, James, Xing Qi, CHai Yun and OKE. James crashed into sch today to pass e 4.6 class-tee $$$ to Crys. When e clique appeared. For a moment I found e feeling in sec sch when I was at least SOMEBODY.... so unlike now. -.- Crystal asked abt ego today. I wonder how she live her life w/o knowing wad's ego...? Yea, I agree I hv a high ego. Wadeva done must be perfect. I suppose tt's e reason I'm doing sprints. The burst of energy is released freely and quickly. But this big ego sux a lot. I finally understood why I got 180th position fr Road Run. All thanks to my ego... Sprinted amongst the 1st few at e beginning... so I ended up out of breath just before the turning point. =X I've got myself to blame. Was a bit 'off' when I hopped onto Aloy's blog... saw smth which reminded me of road run again. = YES. This ego thingy keeps my mind flashing back all e time... so I'm very pissed w/ myself. I need lots of time to reflect and check out wad's e damn bloody shit pbm w/ me. I dun understand.

Had track at 2.30 so missed e match btwn our soccer and SRJC. Joined long D again. Did 5 rounds inside e sch.. u know... e upslope plus dwnslope... That shld be like 4+km? Then we ran 3x800m and finally 150m and 2x100m sprints. Fr once I'm feeling better in track... Cos I wasn't last during sprints w/ e long D pple. I know its nt fair cos I'm a sprinter and they're long D pple BUT I'm nt 1st despite being a sprinter. I take my hat off to Hidayat man... TOP road runner still beat me in sprints. -.- I'm a sprinter? Some irony... Today's trg was shag... My legs hv lactic all over. Didn't join e track pple to Bubble tea cos I feel tt I need some time for MYSELF to reflect and jus be ALONE. Getting way more sick of myself everyday. Yea, I've changed a lot. Nt liek last time. Getting more violent esp at home. Jus kicked my bro's arse which I haven't done in e past decade... My parents were shocked out of their bodies... -.-

Weekend is here. Tmr going to Kenny(Tan)'s hse fr New Yr gathering. Haven't seen them fr quite a long time. I know they're goin to say I've become darker so unlike my pale skin last tme... and why my hair's so wierd now and when did I change my specs... and w/o forgetting CH and his Qn on my wristband. And of cos they're going to ask abt relationship in sch. Bleah~ sort of pressurised... I know I'm like somewhat e odd one out fr all e changes tt took place on me. I guess they'll make lots of comments and hopfully compliments... But besides tt, there is ABSOLUTELY nth else to look forward to. I'm serious (sirius). Its nt the kind of weekend where I look forward to going out and blah blah. Worried abt results and worried abt myself. I know smth is going wrong. I dun want to show it but when I'm alone I do show it. Its strange... I guess its b'cos of that. Dun wanna elaborate. I'm on e verge of jus ending my life. Its hard to be a nobody and its hard to adapt esp w/ my kind of EGO. -.-'''